Who should read real love by Sharon Salzberg?
Real love is a must read for those who crave deeper, and more authentic relationships with others.
As well as those who want to better handle conflict in their relationships.
And most importantly it is a good read for those who need, to boost their self esteem, and love of self.
The misconception of what love is
Most of us have a stylized Hollywood image of what love is, in terms of romance and friendships we see it all as ultimate joy.
Love is really about improving your connections with people and your ability to love those people. As delusional as it might sound it is something that we could achieve.
The Muddy Narrative
The story we tell ourselves about our lives, are inevitably the way we see the world. After a bad break up we can see ourselves as unlovable. Or we can see all men or women as evil creatures.
We must positively re-frame our narratives in order to find love and happiness.
Repressed emotions
When we try to keep a lid on anger sadness, and whatever other emotions we deem unacceptable we eventually explode, and our live is instantly flooded with that emotion.
It has nothing to do with you
A lot of times we see our partners as being distracted or busy on the phone, and we perceive it as them not being interested in us anymore.
But they could be intensely focused on a task for work, or responding to an email regarding layoffs or downsizing that has affected them or their friends.
Some times our partners can see angry but it is not always a direct reflection of our relationship, as much as it is them being mad at something that is bothering them.
If we go on the defensive and attack them or accuse them of something during this time frame, in which they already feel attacked than all we are doing is asking for a war.
This again is a reflection of the muddy narrative in which we choose to feel in the gaps, with what we perceive as the truth.
Instead of the actual truth.
Individuals with complex needs
We often sacrifice things and our feelings for the comfort of our partners.
We may be hot in the car, but recognize they have the heat on because they are cold. Or they may sleep with the fans on at night.
OR they may do both, and you wonder, how could they prefer heat in on instance and to be cold in the next.
Either way resentment can grow when we feel we are catering to the needs of our partner, while our needs go unmet.
There can be literal space, or physiologic space, and we have to fill that space with love and positivity.
There will be things you can’t help your partner with, or needs that you will cater to, like choosing to be cold, so they can be comfortable.
Its up to you to fill that space with positive emotion and not resentment.
Let go of our expectations
When we say we are “fixing” some one that closes the door to real love.
Because as soon as that person doesn’t live up to our expectations, we become resentful. We have to let go of the urge to want to fix everything, especially when we are offering unsolicited help.
When someone needs help or realizes they are not in the best position in life the last thing they need is yet another person hounding them about changing.
They simply need someone to be with.
Transform Jealousy into Joy
There is more than one measure of happiness and success in the world.
There are more things that you will have as an advantage over others, practice being happy and joyful for others.
When we are jealous we beat ourselves up for being jealous of our friends.
If they are getting promoted, married, moving, that just lets you know, that it is a possibility for you as well. So be happy for all that they have.
Celebrate with them don’t go against them. Abundance is only given to those who give it.
Running on auto pilot
Valuing similarities over differences helps foster compassion.
When we run on auto pilot we choose not to like people, through a broad lens, of stereotypes, cultural conditioning and prejudices.
We miss the fact that we may have more in common with this person, than we do with our friends, because we choose to run on auto pilot we miss that connection.
I’ll be happy when…
I’ll be happy when stops us from being happy. It is a conditional statement, meaning we can and will only be happy with said thing happens.
When we repress anger instead of acknowledging it, we deny ourselves happiness, because until we deal with our anger, we will never be able to be happy.
We have to tap in to abundance in order to be happy, we lose sight of that being upset by trivial matters.
Summary of Real love
Use the rain method to better manage your emotions
1. R Recognize what is happening
2. A Allow life to be just as it is
3. I Investigate inner experience
4. N Non-Identification
Recognize what is happening, acknowledge the emotion you are feeling in a non judgemental way.
Allow life to be as it is, this is similar to the serenity prayer, you may not be able to change the present situation, but acknowledge that, instead of being resentful about it.
Investigate inner experience, ask yourself why you feel the way you do about the situation,
Non-identification, realize you are not that emotion or situation.
Real love is a simple and practical read, about what it means to be more mindful in experiencing true joy, love, and abundance.
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